My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dear god my vagina.
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