Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
