Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
