Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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