There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
