Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
