I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
