I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
