Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
