Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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