Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
