My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
last night I used snow as a chaser
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
