The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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