The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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