exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
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