the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
