We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
