I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
