Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
