Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
