I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Randomize
