is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
