i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I just forgot I was standing up.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
