I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
