Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
