Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
