...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
