you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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