Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
