someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I faked an abortion last night.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
