thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
