So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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