hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
