took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
