I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
