the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
