I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
