I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
