Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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