waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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