There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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