1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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