after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
