I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
