soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
