My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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