He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
How does one acquire holy water?
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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