Umm I'm too high to move.
I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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