now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
