A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
you never un-have a 4some
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