I'll bet she douches with gravy.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
