Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
