You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
