I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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