He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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